Def-Con 4 (1985)

..If I were ever in outer space when a nuclear war happened on earth I would never return.  I would just stay up there eating the remainder of the food, poo into a vacuum & wait for the air to run out.  It has to be better than breathing radiation & having your popo fall off.  There are a million other things you have to worry about when returning to earth.  The territories are always ruled by brutality where you have a good chance of being hung or shot. There isn't a clean women to be found. Don't even get me started about how shitty the food is.  You'll be eating oatmeal until your die day.  I don't care if it's fucking Quaker Oat meal.  If it doesn't have maple & brown sugar it can fuck right off like Wilford Brimley

 

Children of the Corn (2009)

..There are more Children of the Corn movies then yellow kernels found in a Nebraskan's stool.  I've seen most of them.  In fact it they were some of the 1st films I live tweeted using #corninmypoo.  I'm surprised how many times they've gone to the well considering the source material isn't all that good.  Children actors have to keep working I suppose.  What I find interesting about this remake is Burton Stanton is having Vietnam flashbacks while he is killing the children of the corn.  We're all just a causality of war. The most frustrating thing about these Children of the Corn movies is they never truly explore he who is beyond the rows.  It's the fucking Jolly Green Giant & that bastard Strout.  They'll make cream corn out of you

Video Nasties: Moral Panic, Censorship & Videotape (2010)

..This is the bible of Video Nasties.  W/ the documentary & all the extra of each banned film explored it's a good 13 hours.  A day or 2 can be lost but I suggest any psychotronic film fan invest a small portion of their life.  Even better play it @ a party & laugh along @ how stupid the British government was.  Personally b/c Mary Whitehouse said these Video Nasty were harmful to both people & dogs I want to watch some banned Naziploitation w/ some German Sheppard.  I have made it through quite a few on the lists & I have yet to munch on anyone's innards or pubic hair.  Maybe b/c of my North American sensibility I'm immune.  I say no matter what country that you're from tuck in.  It can't be that harmful from you but I take my medication w/ Wild Turkey

Killer Barbys (1996)

..The wonderful Jess Franco.  W/ over 200 movies to his directing credits watching his work you are going to run the gamut of good to awful.  I find about 25% of the time you get what you get w/ Killer Barbys.  Most of all it makes me happy that slowly Im working on becoming a Jess Franco completist.  The Barbys come across a countess who drinks blood as a means to the fountain of youth.  I think that Oil of Oyle uses a drop of human blood to help reduce aging lines.  That's what I suspect b/c this isn't the 1st time I've seen blood used to remain young.  Thankfully most of The Barbys escape so they can rock on & play their smash hit I Wanna Live in Tromaville

  

Baby Needs a New Pair of Shoes (1974)

..Running the numbers game is a life of fine wine & fine women.  I'd like hit the number so I no longer have to live the life of bum wines & gutter whores.  Pasha would even takes bets as low as 3 cents.  If you hit the number you can get yourself a nice bottle of ripple.  This film has good look @ urban street life w/ a low budget blaxploitation feel more like Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song than Shaft.  Unfortunately Baby Needs a New Pair of Shoes gets lost in the genre as I ended up seeing it under the title Jive Turkey.  Personally I think that's a better blaxploitation title & would put it up in the tops of the genre behind Blacula

Hitman Hart: Wrestling with Shadows (1998)

..When the Montreal Screw Job went down I was never more invested in wrestling.  I had been a long time Bret Hart fan & even had the change to see him wrestle his brother Owen once. When Vince McMahon had the title change hands in the most unscrupulous manner in wrestling history I was outraged.  I even vowed never to watch WWF programing again & if I ever had the chance to see Vince I'd kick him in the nuts.  That lasted about 20 minutes b/c I tuned in Monday Night to see Vince & Shawn Michaels rub salt into the wound.  It was the start of the downward spiral of Bret Heart b/c once he went to WCW he was never the same. Almost 20 years after the event I don't know if it was a work b/c the lines have been blurred so much.  Maybe I should start reviewing wrestling PPVs too b/c you can have me buy into anything

Night of the Bloody Apes (1969)

..How Night of the Bloody Apes ended up on the Video Nasty list is a mystery to me.  To my understanding it's b/c of the real open heart surgery footage.  I guess when something is exploited & no longer has an educational purpose it has a problem w/ the law.  That's probably why porn had such a problem.  I for one learned a lot from Night of Bloody Apes that it almost makes me want to get into the medical field myself & transplant a ape heart.  Of course I'd have to go down to Mexico to get my degree.  While watching this I was thinking that Robert Rodriguez should pick up the rights to this little gem & remake it.  What better female lucha to take on The Bloody Ape than Sexy Star? I would play top peso to see that

 

The Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan's Island (1981)

..I grew up watching reruns Gilligan's Island fantasying about eating Mary Ann & Ginger's pies.  Unfortunately Tina Louise decided to sit this one out which is a shame b/c she could have had a smoking hot scene w/ Martin Landau as he swindled her share of the island away.  It's not long until Landau has all the bone head castaways shares & it made me realize just why they were marooned for so many years.  It's up to The Harlem Globetrotters to play Landau's robot team in a game of hoops for total control.  Im a great fan of The Harlem Globetrotters & once saw them courtside on my 8th birthday.  Curly Neal was gracious enough to give me his wristband & made him bigger than Michael Jordan in my eyes...what a true basketball superstar

Hooch (1977)

..One of the things great things to come out of 70s drive-ins was hickploitation.  I can watch bootleggers run moonshine any day of the week.  In Hooch Gil Gerard is the top shine maker in the county but that is all about to end as the mafia decides to get into the Mountain Drew business.  They blow up so many stills that the functioning alcoholic inside of me cried a single tear like a Native American when you destroy their land.  It's not enough to stop Gerard though as he & his flaming blue El Camino mean business especially when they kidnap his girlfriend.  Gerard must have really loved her b/c she wouldn't put out even after he offered to fix her a nice Spam dinner.  If your lady friend will eat mystery meat & not eat your man meat she's not a keeper

Cheerleaders Wild Weekend (1979)

..I like cheerleader movies.  There were some real gems in the early 70s like The Swinging Cheerleader & Cheerleader's Revenge.  They contain a goodtime formula that I enjoy.  Cheerleaders Wild Weekend does not as 3 squads of cheerleaders are kidnapped & held for ransom.  What pisses me off the most is these girl's never truly realize the danger they are in even when they are exploited.  @ one point in time one of the kidnappers holds a beauty contest to kill some time & the girls don't waste a moment showing some tits & ass.  Gleefully even.  I don't think these dumb bitches realized they were kidnapped & thought they were completing to be the next Ms Hooters

Frankenstein Island (1981)

..Frankenstein Island may hold the dubious distinction of being the worst Frankstein movie I have ever seen.  3 friends crash their hot air balloons on what they assume to be a deserted island but are met w/ amazons who like to do bong tokes out of skulls & ship wrecked sailors who brains are ridden w/ syphilis (maybe it's just salt water).  To top it all off they met the great great granddaughter of Dr Frankenstein who is a von Helsing. Then there's some bullshit about aliens visting the island. Frankenstein's monster eventually turns up but he looks like he has a pickle up his butt & is trying to learn the frug.   I was mesmerized by John Carradine's disembodied head but not has much as the hypno-spiral.  I think it was trying to put me under a spell & convince me that this was a good film

Rock 'n' Roll Frankenstein (1999)

..Rock n Roll Frankenstein has a novel concept that peters out.  Pun intended.  By taking the body parts of dead rock n roll stars a new music superstar is created.  He has Jimi Hendrix's hands, Keith Moon's legs & even Elvis's head.  The only thing that was missing was Jim Morrison's shlong.  A freak accident occurs when the cock of rock is being retrieved & a substitute must be found much like the original Frankenstein's broken brain. So they grab Liberace's popo & sew it on the monster.  Inner conflict arises as new Monster King doesn't know if he's gay or straight.  He even took to shoving gerbils up his ass which I found very strange since he had the buttocks of Sid Vicious.  Maybe Nancy was helping Sid shoot more than heroin.  Only Sid's sweet cheeks will ever know

The Slime People (1963)

..Referring to these creatures as Slime People & subsequently calling this movie Slime People is wrong.  They are not Slime People.  They come out of the sewers & they are not Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  I suspect they are made of poo.  Their appearance look like a bowel movement I'd have after eating hard cheese & pickled eggs.  They are the Poo People.  It's not like the viewer gets a very good look @ them for most of the film anyways b/c there is more smoke than hanging out w/ Willie Nelson & Tommy Chong @ 4:20.  I don't know.  If you're going to be called Slime People be slimy & most of all get your victims slimy

The Tormentors (1971)

..Thinking being a hippie would have been my bag.  Listening to fuzzy music, dropping LSD & finding Jesus.  Of course w/ large amounts of drugs anyone w/ long hair/beard & preaches the good word can pass as the messiah.  It's a stone grove until those 4th Reich Nazis bastards bring a bummer trip w/ their Swastik & KMart cargo pants.  Good thing Anthony Eisley was brave enough to infiltrate them & punch them in the jaw.  Fucking Nazis.  It's on my bucket list to kick a Nazi right in the groin w/ a steel toes boot.  I don't know who I hate more - Monterey Nazis or Illinois Nazis

  

Convict Women (1974)

..I always find it interesting when Ted Cassidy pops up in movies b/c I'm so used to seeing him portray Lurch on The Addams Family.  Here he has such a great smile I was wondering what kind of toothpaste he used.  Don't let those pearly whites fool you as he has a mean streak as our convict women soon find out.  Actually I'm surprised these women were able to get so deep into the swamp w/ all the alligators.  Those hussies stole Mickey Rooney's boat & dumped him over for those gators to eat.  I don't think he survived it b/c it never showed him making it to the shore & even though he has top billing he's never seen again after the 1st 20 minutes.  I pray to God that he had his ValueGard paid up

Deathstalker (1983)

..I'm a fan of the Deathstalker series.  In fact I believe it should be a weekly television series like Game of Thrones but don't give it a modern touch @ all.  Keep the shoestring budget & shitty puppets.  Hell bring Rick Hill back.  He hasn't worked for 16 years.  The world needs more Deathstalker b/c it reminds me of a time when this was as good as it was going to get before you could rent porn.  Great for boy parties b/c there's lots of sugar boobies.  I don't care how hooky the rest of the film is.  The fact you need a chalice, amulet & a sword to have THE POWER is ridiculous.  Nintendo wrapped it up nicely w/ a simple glove

 

Link (1986)

..It's amazing how much primates are like humans.  They both like to wear nice clothes, smoke cigars & watch Elisabeth Shue get naked to a take bath.  It's a lot of monkey business until our title orangutan goes absolutely ape shit & on a killing rampage.  This mother-fucker is strong as he'll yank you through the mail slot by your arm.  You won't be playing Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata anytime soon.  I'm always a fan of animal gone wild movies & feel that deranged primates don't get enough screen time unless they're from Skull Island & are 147 feet tall.  Cannon has a go even though it cost them @ the box office & it's just about as much fun as a barrel on monkeys

Zipperface (1992)

..Zipperface is a pretty good title for a BDSM murder flick but I wish it was called Killer Gimp.  Gimpy is killing hookers & a crack team of detectives are hot on his trail.  Well maybe not so hot as one suffers from incontinence & stops to take a piss in the bathroom of everyone they question.  Will Gimpy strike again before it's time to tinkle?  There's lots of red herrings as to who the killer might be including Alpo dog food left @ the scene of the crime.  It could be anyone...even fucking Lorne Greene that kinky bastard

Witchtrap (1989)

..I'll never understand why people fuck around w/ haunted houses.  If there's a ghost infestation just leave it alone.  They want to be left alone.  That's why who ever ventures into these supernatural realms always end up dead.  Sadly Linnea Quigley ended up biting the biscuit pretty quick when she was taking a shower.  The goddamn shower head killed her & it wasn't even one of those that have a masturbatory massage.  Just b/c you are a so called parapsychologist don't think for one moment that you can't contain or even control am evil spirit.  You'll end w/ your head exploding or something just as gruesome.  Just leave it to the professionals b/c Bill Murray should have been called in to handle this shit like it was originally suggested

The College Girl Murders (1967)

..Probably one of the worst ways to die is if you were the victim of someone putting a poison mist in a bible.  One moment you would be looking to God for the answers to life & the next you'd be talking to the big guy in person.  The College Girl Murders is quite vicious in it's simplicity.  There's even what they refer to as a mad hooded monk that likes to crack a bull whip.  Personally I think he looks more like the Grand Poobah of the KKK.  Why he's snapping a whip is anyone's guess but I think it was Nietzsche who said "when a good time turns around you must whip it".

The Gingerdead Man (2005)

..Gary Busey must have really needed the money to get caught up in Gingerdead Man.  You thought I was going to say dough to sneak in a bad pun but this half baked movie is already filled w/ them.  I've just about seen a killer everything but a killer gingerbread cookie is pretty low on the ranks.  Seriously, you could just kill the little fucker by pouring a 2 gallon jug of milk over him.  There are other Gingerdead movies that follow this but what I really want to see is him take on The Poppin Fresh Pillsbury Doughboy.  That fat bastard is built like a sumo wrestler & I think he would squash that gingerbread fuck

Point of Terror (1971)

 

..If you want to be a music star & even if you have more tassels than the Ultimate Warrior w/ polyester style to spare you have to start somewhere.  Tony Trelos learned that the hard way as he belted out his soon to be chart topping hits @ the Lobster House.  He had already cut a record that was only played on a local radio station & that doesn't help much living in buttfuck nowhere.  Tony realized like many in the music business is it's best to just sleep your way to the top.  It doesn't help things that the record executives wife that he's banging has more melodrama that General Hospital, Days of Our Lives & Ryan's Hope combined.  Tony should have just stayed @ the Lobster House.  I would have gone to see him.  Well after Lobsterfest was over @ Red Lobster.  For prices starting @ $7.95 I don't care how many tassels you have

 

Black Eye (1974)

..Aside of some racial slurs by some bigoted assholes & having the dubious title of Black Eye in my books I wouldn't consider this blaxploitation.  Most everything Fred Williamson did besides Black Caesar, Hell Up in Harlem & Bucktown I wouldn't consider as part of the genre.  Williamson is a cool private eye this time out which isn't too hard b/c it's not too far gone from the detectives he often portrays.  The only difference between the 2 roles is as a cop he tries to run.  Here he gets in a couple scraps but most of the time just asks questions while eating peanuts from his pocket.  Apparently he needs the high protein in case he has to kick some ass.  I'm half way to being a private eye myself as my drawers are always filled w/ an assortment of tasty nuts to enjoy

Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)

..I've seen a lot of 80s slashers & Slumber Party Massacre II has to be one of the strangest.  The concept of the Driller Killer is taken to the extreme by strapping it on the end of a guitar that CC Deville wouldn't be caught dead playing.  Maybe the Driller Killer just wanted to be in Crystal Bernard's rock band.  It's never really explained or perhaps Bernard is just insane.  The reasoning makes no never mind to me as long as slumber party girls pillow fight topless.  The greatest downfall of this sequel is that they made the brilliant choice of casting Atanas Ilitch as the Driller Killer (son of founder of  Little Caesars Mike Ilitch) & a pizza delivery guy is never murdered

From Noon Till Three (1976)

..In From Noon Till Three we get a softer side of Charles Bronson.  Soft like his flaccid penis that only Jill Ireland's sweet sweet love can bring it to life.  This may be the only movie that I've seen where Bronson doesn't shoot someone.  The change of pace is quite a shock to my system as it's romance for their 3 hour stint.  Bronson even licks chicken grease from Ireland's fingers.  Now that's love.  Bronson is such a good lover that even after Ireland believes he's dead she creates a legend out of their torrid affair.  When he returns she doesn't believe it's him on looks alone until he shows her his Mandom...It's enough to make you shoot yourself