Jungle Wolf (1986)

..If you fought in the Vietnam war you are always on the short list of mercenaries who can be hired for suicide missions whenever American's need rescuing.  This time out Ron Marchini fights rebels in the Philippines when an ambassador is kidnapped.  I'm surprised that Marchini survived the Vietnam war as he knows nothing about camouflage & wears a bright yellow shirt as he runs through the jungle shooting every rebel w/ every gun he finds laying on the ground.  After battling through the thickage he finds Ambassador Worthington lounging chained in a cave wearing pajamas.  Marchini was able to get the ambassador to a helicopter but the mother-fuckers didn't wait for him.  Marchini could have run the quarter mile but sadly he was left behind to fight the rebels w/ nothing but a sword.  I do have to give Ron Marchini credit b/c he went out like a trooper just like Corporal Kirchner

The Good Guys and the Bad Guys (1969)

..The opening scenes of The Good Guys & the Bad Guys makes me very sad as Mayor Wilker is up for re-election & runs all the whores out of town.  I know you have to think about the Christian women vote but if history has taught us anything is that running officials can grab em by the pussy & still win.  The rest of the tale has Robert Mitchum hunting down & then teaming up w/ old rival George Kennedy to stop David Carradine & his gang from robbing a train.  They thwart Carradine by keeping that train a-rollin all night long just like the Tiny Bradshaw song.  While on the subject of songs I hoping that once I become long in the saddle like Mitchum there are just as many ballads written about how old & worn down I am like he has.  There could even be a verse about my acid reflux

  

Jungle Rats (1988)

..By movie making standards I'm surprised that the US lost the Vietnam war.  Maybe they didn't deploy Jungle Rats who have more killing power than Rambo, James Braddock & The Inglorious Bastard combined.  The 5 man wrecking crew is sent into the jungle to rescue 3 American officers & kill every Vietcong along the way.  It's a mass mayhem of bullets & explosions throughout as there isn't a situation this task force can't escape.  Well they almost escape except for 1 & even when the Vietcong are closing in he pulls a grenade to see how many mother-fuckers he can take w/ him.  This mission wasn't for any pussies & if you think for one moment that this is going to be a Boy Scouts' camping trip you are sadly mistaken

Cracking Up (1977)

..Cracking Up is riddled w/ unfunny ugly jokes but all is not lost as some familiar faces are on board w/ the likes of Fred Willard, David L Lander, Michael McKean & future voice character actor Harry Shearer.  Just having them in the cast brings this sketch comedy flick up from the bottom & makes a smile appear on my face.  California is hit by a 9.7 magnitude earthquake & bodies are everywhere as the fatality rate has sky rocketed.  There's not much to laugh @ as news reporters survey the situation that looks like a battle field.  Spliced w/ the carnage tv news crews interview victims of the disaster as to what they were doing when the quake hit.  One woman was having a one night stand where she likes to watch Tom Snyder while doing the deed.  Actually she just likes listening to his voice which is a bit of a problem for her lover.  As we all know 9 out of 10 erectile difficulties are caused by the sound of that mother-fucker's voice

  

The First Turn-On!! (1983)

..The First Turn On is like a fine fart to the face.  You may feel a little nauseous afterwards but you'll never forget it.  This film makes me remember the good old days when I went to camp & caught mononucleosis.  That's nothing compared to what one might contract while attending a camp run by Troma or what Mark Torgl contracted while performing fellatio on a cob of corn.  Good times are had by all except for the campers who get caught in a cave.  Instead of turning to cannibalism they tell stories about how they lost their virginity & like all good sex stories they are full of bullshit.  It doesn't matter.  Summer camp is where memories are made be it erotic sculpting or winning a circle jerk.  That is why I always donate to Tim Horton's Camp Days in hopes that their camping experience is as cherish able as Camp Big Tee Pee

 

Anaconda (1997)

..Anaconda gives you WOOOOOOOOOOO as it's probably the best killer snake movie since Piers Haggard's Venom.  I love to see snakes coiling, striking, hissing but most of all I love to see them devouring people.  What a joy it was to see Owen Wilson swallowed whole & laying in an anaconda's digestive track.  I only wish I could have seen him pooped out.  This film belongs to Jon Voight as he's in some sort of acting trance & even gives a wink once he's regurgitated.  As for our survivors it's all snakes & ladders.  I think producers missed the boat w/out having some sort of musical number w/ Jennifer Lopez & Ice Cube.  I don't necessarily need to hear J-Lo sing but music does sooth the savage beast.  Maybe Ice Cube could have rapped a little bit.  Perhaps smokes a few blunt w/ that deadly snake

Kill a Dragon (1967)

..Jack Palance is in for a 3rd of a small fortune when he decides to help a small village w/ a shipment of  nitroglycerin.  The unfortunate thing is the freight used to belong to the ruthless Fernando Lamas but all is fair in the smuggling trade.  Palance & Lamas play some mental cat & mouse, smoke a lot of tobacco & even have a friendly game of  Russian Roulette.  It isn't long until the 2 of them along w/ their crews are shooting it out on top of the volatile explosive.  Thankfully for the villagers Palance is able to secure the load & nobody had their ass blown sky high.  Lamas is even a good sport about it all & brings Palance a cake to celebrate his birthday.  Unfortunately it interrupts Jack from getting his birthday nookie for the 2nd time.  If there is something that I have learned over the years that people can buy you cakes, bring you balloons but nothing; I mean nothing beats birthday sex

 

Dead of Night (1977)

..I like trilogies of terror much like Amicus does & for a made for TV movie the final segment of Dead of Night is quite a dozy.  A woman's son dies & she commands him back to life but he comes back as a little bastard.  Actually no different than most monster children who want to kill their parents.  Another tale is about vampire's but there's a  M. Night Shyamalan twist where it's just a charade to get back @ his cheating bitch wife & her lover.  Personally I think it's brilliant blaming vampirism on the guy that's banging your wife.  The least of the lot but still good has Ed Begley Jr traveling back in time to 1929.  By his logic modern cars are not able to travel back to the past but I bet that fucker never drove a DeLorean to travel back to the future

Ready to Rumble (2000)

..I miss WCW & the way they used to mindlessly spend Ted Turner's money.  Ratings were slipping so instead of improving their weekly product the higher ups in WCW thought it would be a good idea to produce a movie & just like everything that WCW was doing @ the time it lost money.  The wrestling stars are present in the likes of DDP, Randy Savage, Goldberg, Sting & even Perry Saturn.  I bet Perry Saturn could use a residual check about now.  Ready to Rumble wasn't the final nail in WCW who folded up not long after this but it helped start a series of events that helped bring it's downfall.  Vince Russo who was in charge of creative thought it would actually be a good idea to put the World Title on David Arquette.  What happened to the product after that is anyone's guess b/c it rendered the World Title useless & I stopped watching

Smokey and the Hotwire Gang (1979)

..I say to hell w/ the cell phone & bring back CB radios.  You just can't have a hot & heavy handle on your cell phone.  CB radios were an extension of your personality as well as the best damn way of communicating.  How else other than CB radio can a quarter of a million dollar armored car robbery be foiled?  It's the power of the 2 way air waves that brings criminals to justice.  Not only that but Billy The Kid got his van back that was stolen for the heist & all through the magic of CB.  Al Gross you're a fucking genius.  Is there nothing that the CB radio can't facilitate?  If you were needing a ride while you were hitchhiking & you had a CB on you people would drive to where you were & pick your ass up.  I'd loved to have that kind of service getting from point A to point B.  Now I'm just fucking pissed off I can't go to Radio Shack & purchase one

The Thing That Couldn't Die (1958)

..Jessica Burn is a psychic & she's even better than The Psychic Friends Network @ finding stuff.  Take that Dionne Warwick in your cold grave.  Jessica can find water, a watch & evil.  She's really good @ finding evil.   Evil comes in all shapes & sizes b/c what was originally thought to be a treasure chest found by her special abilities turns out to be a man's head.  I always said a head in a box is better than a glory hole any day.  This head belongs to a decapitated 16th century devil worshipper & he will make one kill by rolling his eyes.  He really want to get back in touch w/ his body where his head will snap right onto his neck like pieces of adjoining Leggo.  I liked it better when his head was just being carried around much like Al Snow & his head...b/c what does everybody want?  Head

  

 

Batman Forever (1995)

..I'm not doing the right drugs to enjoy Batman Forever's color scheme.  Maybe I'm supposed to be taking ecstasy which was very popular in 1995.   W/out it everything seems so unnatural especially Val Kilmer being cast as Batman.  Whenever Val Kilmer is cast in a role I'm usually like 'really? Val Kilmer?'  & he usually surprises me.  He has to play it low key b/c everything is about upstaging one another.  Robin's loss of his family is more tragic than Batman's.  Riddler has to be more crazy than Two Face.  Nicole Kidman tries to be sexier than Drew Barrymore.  More & more is not always better & after all the razamadaz Batman simply beats his foes w/ a Batterang & a pocket full of coins.  This is really just a showcase for Jim Carrey to let loose & make millions on the Batman name b/c both were hot @ the time.  It's not a once in a lifetime performance for Carrey as I found The Riddler to be very close to The Grinch except for the costume

The Black Cobra 2 (1989)

..Black Cobra II makes me ask the question - what happened to Robert Malone's cat Pervus?   It's only been 2 years since the original Black Cobra & I'm hoping he's not dead.  Malone makes no mention of Pervus when Interpol does an exchange program sending him to Manila from Chicago.  The lieutenant's not too trilled as he has to go to the Philippines but his excuse usually was he didn't want to leave his cat home alone.  Anyways, here's hoping Pervus just ran away in search of Red Label cat food.  Fred Williamson is fitting in this role nicely where criminals are sorry they made him run & even more remorseful when he uses his martial arts to kick their ass.  When he's not breaking arms he has time to soak up some of the local culture & even do a little traditional dancing w/ the ladies.  Malone finds the Philippines not to be as bad as he originally thought but by the end he's tired of drinking cheap local champagne longing to go back to the good old USA & enjoy a King Cobra

Cy Warrior (1989)

..Someday I would like to see what the US government spent on trying to create cyborg soldiers in the 1980s.  Maybe development is still going on today & we are just moments away from Cy-W2000.  The Cy-W1 project was a bit of a failure as it escaped roaming the streets w/ amnesia.  Henry Silva & his tactical force of paid thugs are assigned to bring Cy-W1 back.  Silva for some reason doesn't much care for the renegade toaster & orders his men to shoot the shit out of it.  Unfortunately every pedestrian w/in a 3 block radius ends up being gunned down in the process.  Luckily those political spin doctors were able to blame the massacres on gang activity.  They should have know that Cy-Warrior is impervious to just about anything but it did break its leg while jumping off a bridge.  It was fucking horrific just like when Sid Vicious jumped off the 2nd rope & broke his leg

Monster from Green Hell (1957)

..American's scientists are pretty reckless w/ their rockets.  They would load them w/ animals, launch them into orbit & record the results of radiation exposer.  These fools shot a rocket full of wasps & lost it for 6 months only to discover it was in Africa.  Could you imagine if these idiots launched the guinea pigs they had on hand? An expedition is off w/ as much Raid as they can carry but many hired natives are killed off a rival tribe or the mutant wasps themselves.  The screams are joyfully horrific.  All seems to be lost on this expedition as the monstrous stinging beasts are too many & too powerful.  Fortunately one of Africa's 17 active volcanoes erupts killing all the monsters of Green Hell.  Remember if you have a wasp problem just get some red hot Lava

 

Hunk (1987)

..Crown International does Faust.  Computer programmer Bradley Brinkman signs his soul over to The Devil to become Hunk Golden:The World's Most Handsome Man.  He has ladies' panties wet from here to LA & a couple of boners popping along the way.  Hunk is pure beefcake & I almost wished I could cut me off a slice.  Now Hunk can hang out w/ all the yuppies on the beach drinking Perrier & playing Trivial Pursuit.  Being so macho isn't all pussy & parties though as Hunk's deal w/ the devil was only a trail period & he decides to become nerdy Bradley Brinkman once again for the love a good woman.  I think the reason he gave up all that fame & fortune is b/c he worked for Avery Schreiber & knew if he came back to work as a computer programmer he would get free Doritos everyday

The Beast in Heat (1977)

..I'm not overtly a fan of Naziploitation other than maybe Ilsa She Wolf of the SS.  I think they should have made just 1 Naziploitation movie of a continuous 90 minute loop of Hitler being kicked in the groin.  Like many films of this genre The Beast in Heat ended up on the Video Nasty list.  There's plenty to offend but there's plenty to laugh @ as well.  The torture scenes are ridiculous but horrific simultaneously.  As a women's Lee Press On Nails are ripped from her fingers she's dubbed w/ the most unconvincing 'stop you're hurting me'.  Another is devoured by genuine pigs.  I never did trust those bastards.  The tour de force is the actually beast in heat which is an experiment of a Nazi Super Race but is really just a horny hairy guy in a cage.  They throw him nude victims where he rapes them & eats their pubic hair.  Apparently he needs the fiber.  I myself use orange flavored Metamucil but am up for anything to stay regular

  

Snake Eater (1989)

..Lorenzo Lamas is a Marine turned cop who wants you to know he's sexy too by striping down past his BVDs in the opening scene.  He must take on some backwoods hillbillies who kidnapped his sister.  Those hillbillies are sinister as they don't even give Lamas' sister a poop bucket as she's locked away in a shed.  Lamas looses a kidney trying to rescue her but he's one tenacious son of bitch & says fuck it I have another one & there's always dialysis.  He's one tough mother-fucker that does more than sit a car all day doing stake outs & drinking free coffee.  Thanks to Snake Eater I know what happens w/ cops & all that free coffee.  They piss in the cups & give it away to vagrants.  Think of that the next time you pick a Tim Horton's cup off the ground to see if you won a free doughnut in Roll Up The Rim

The Terror of the Tongs (1961)

..You must respect The Red Dragon or they will choppy choppy your favorite masturbating hand w/ a hatchet.  In fact there's more hatchet welding in The Terror of the Tongs then an Insane Clown Posse concert.  The  Tong crime syndicate touches 75% of the Chinese population.  That could add up to almost a billion people who use heroin.  Those numbers are staggering to me & it's all run by mastermind Christopher Lee.  Lee must have liked playing a Chinese or the money was right b/c he dawned the guise a few years as Fu Manchu.  This time out Lee was working one his tan quite a bit before hand & is looking a bit like the Coppertone Baby especially if you could see his lily white ass

Sensation Hunters (1933)

..If you're going to be on a Pacific liner as a showgirl run by Trixie Snell you're going to get a reputation as being a bit of a slut even if you're not.  Girls named Trixie are nothing but bad news & feel I could contract a social disease just by saying the name.  Dale Jordon soon finds that out as her lover just can't find respect for her profession.  After awhile it's the same old same old as Jordon gets tired of hustling for change & singing There's Something In the Air longing for America.  Sorry bitch but don't be a 1 hit wonder & learn a new song.  There's still lots of fun to be had amongst the cringe worthy numbers as this is pre-Hays code.  I haven't been this excited by so many gams since I used to creep the blue light specials on Leggs @ K-Mart

The Killer Shrews (1959)

..There's a fine line between making a dog of a movie & using dogs in your movie.  The Killer Shrews is almost brilliant in it's cheapness by throwing rugs over coon dogs & trying to pass it off as something watchable.  It benefits from having Dukes of Hazzard favorite James Best who tries to help the rest of the cast keep a leave head until the martinis run out.  They are basically the last pork chops in the fridge for the killer shrews who like Rosie O'Donnell must eat 3 times their weight a day.  Best helps a few escape to his boat but not before the remainder are puppy chow.  There is a sequel to this made some 54 years later but w/ James Best now dead I think Bruce Willis should take over the franchise.  He has no problem taming shrews

 

Fast Food (1989)

..It's difficult to make it in the fast food business but it's even harder in the fast food movie business.  For some reason fast food comedies have as much quality as a Happy Meal w/out the toy.  As good as you're going to get in this genre is probably Hamburger The Movie.  Fast Food gains a couple points for having the casting of Jim Varney (who gives this movies it's only laughs), Traci Lords (the only sexy thing about a sex comedy) & Michael J Pollard (who makes me wish I did more drugs).  It's all about a gas station turned fast food restaurant that uses a sex drug in their secrete sauce.  The money making venture turns out to be as harmful as Spanish Fly.  Not like McDonalds' secrete sauce.  They say it's 1000 island dressing but it made me impotent when I was eating Big Macs

Mortal Kombat (1995)

..I was originally going to see Mortal Kombat when in was in theaters but I've always held the opinion that movies based on video games shouldn't cost more than a quarter to go & see.  They're really just big screen commercials to hawk merchandise.  Where Mortal Kombat benefits is it already has a long list of characters to try to flesh out from their pixilated forms.  Christopher Lambert is laughably cast as Lord Raiden & producers of this film really should have seen what David Carradine was up to.  Johnny Cage is a douche who punches my favorite character Goro right in the grapefruits.  Goro has so many arms he can jerk off & toss off 3 of his buddies.  I wish I had as many hands & a Sonya Blade action figure to rub one out to

  

Black Cobra (1987)

..Nobody sues the fucking Italians for ripping off American movies.  Black Cobra's plot is almost identical to Sylvester Stallone's Cobra except it casts an African American Fred Williamson & it's done on the cheap.  Williamson is a no nonsense cop that doesn't negotiate & likes his milk.  He gets involved in a case protecting a photographer who took the picture of a murderous bike gang leader.  Like all good detective bureau's they use her as bait.  Williamson doesn't even want to be on the case & is more concerned about leaving his cat Pervus home alone.  Fred loves that fucking cat & caters to it's every whim.  Everyday he plays red label/blue label to get his finicky feline to eat.  He should just buy him some 9 Lives but who can afford that on a cop's salary

Blood Song (1982)

..Donna Wilkes is having visions of Frankie Avalon killing b/c she received a transfusion of his crazy blood.  Now there is a connection between the 2 of them.  Wilkes is still a bit gimpy from her accident but somehow she is always able to out run Avalon in any giving situation.  Maybe Frankie isn't in the best of shape since his surfing days are well behind him.  He even takes a pick ax to the kidney that slows him up even more.  By the end of this movie Avalon was going to need a blood transfusion himself.  After watching Blood Song I no longer trust The Red Cross to give me top grade blood.  If only 5% of Americans donate blood I'm certain they are turning to mental institutions to fill the need