The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982)

..As I watched Sword & the Sorcerer I thought about some of the great mercenaries there have been through the years: Sylvester Stallone, Franco Nero, Mr T just to name a few.  Now I can add Joe Regalbuto to that list.  Don't know who Joe Regalbuto is?  He was better known as Frank Fontana on Murphy Brown if that helps.  Not someone I want warding off assassins & rapists.  You need someone manly like Lee Horsley who can beat off rapists w/ a turkey leg.  Ladies remember this - if you are being raped & you are not fortunate enough to have Lee Horsley around be she you're packing a Butterball Turkey

  

Vengeance of the Zombies (1973)

..Resurrecting the dead would be great fun. I would probably use my zombie to do household chores like Fido b/c my dishes & laundry haven't been done in weeks.  It wouldn't be all domestic duties for my undead friend.  I would use it for revenge just like they did in Vengeance of the Zombies.  Maybe not so satanic though.  It's all in the method in how you resurrect your zombie.  Here they pour some blood on a wax figure & set it on fire.  I like to make my flaming zombies the old fashion way

 

Lifeguard (1976)

..Lifeguard is better than every episode of Baywatch even if it doesn't have Pamela Anderson running in slow motion.  As I watched Lifeguard I kept thinking about the similarities between Sam Elliott's character & David Hasselhoff's on Baywatch.  Both are men past their prime for their profession.  They both have fabulous tans & manly hairy chest.  They both stare @ underaged girls all day.  The parallels are uncanny.  Sam Elliot is a little smarter though realizing that he's @ a crossroads in life especially when he has to attend his 15 year high school reunion.  He lies to people telling them he sells cars.  I think he should have aimed higher saying he was a singer like the Hoff & he was huge in Germany

Sssssss (1973)

..People who handle snakes are fucking crazy.  I used to have a friend who had a bunch of snakes & he would bring them out whenever we were drinking.  Maybe there was on to more than just freaking us all the fuck out b/c Strother Martin feeds his python whisky.  Maybe snakes like getting liquored up.  Ssssssss is a fun snake outing though as Dirk Benedict is no longer The Face & is slowly turned into a king cobra.  The ending is straight out of Rikki-Tikki-Tavi

Superman III (1983)

..After a spectacular Superman II the follow up is a rough outing but I don't care.  I'm a big fan of Richard Pryor & this is really before the time Hollywood gave comic actors serious roles so Superman III has a comic tone.  Mostly slapstick.  There is a great Superman vs Evil Superman battle as Clark Kent fights his sinister alter ego.  Who knew that creating an Evil Superman was so easy.  All you need are some basic kryptonite & some tar.  Yes a pack of Marlboros can fuck Superman up leading him to a life of an alcoholic.  Just say NO to smoking kids

Ginger (1971)

..Cheri Caffaro is Ginger & she goes undercover to break up a drug/blackmail/prostitution.  The boot is coming down b/c Nixon is in office.  Ginger is a stone cold bitch as she will chop off your pee pee w/ a piano wire.  Then she'll play Moonlight Sonata on your balls.  Although Cheri Caffaro hardly has a decent body on her (& is often naked) there are still 2 more movies in the Ginger series which I'll end up taking in @ sometime.  I love this undemanding 70s sleaze

The Severed Arm (1973)

..I would be devastated if I lost an arm.  Masturbation would be ruined for me.  Surely I could switch hands but then I would have to hold my Swank magazine w/ my feet.  My love life would be ruined.  My girlfriend wouldn't want me if I lost an arm.  She'd probably start dating the severed arm b/c it could fist her better.  No if you are going to cut off my arm it's best to eat it.  @ least that bitch would get no satisfaction 

Robot Ninja (1989)

..Robot Ninja isn't much of a super hero b/c he isn't a robot or a ninja.  He's basically the animator of a comic book dressed up turned vigilante.  It's would be as ridiculous Stan Lee dressing up as Spiderman & fighting crime.  It's a little bit grimier than the Mavel/DC universe as sometimes it feels like Jim Van Bebber had a go @ the genre.  Only part of the material is played for laughs where probably more should have.  A little robot dancing could have helped

Fatal Games (1984)

..In the Go-Go days of the 80s slasher it's difficult to be innovative.  Fatal Games could very easily been about a track & field club that gets butchered but here there are a couple of twists.  1st off the weapon of choice is a javelin which is a pretty difficult instrument to kill an array of people in fashionable ways.  How that fucker was thrown from the bottom of a pool I'll never know.  The 2nd twist is the killer is Caitlyn Jenner.  Okay but it's pretty close.  It had me guessing most of the time & for a while I thought it was Neeraj Chopra

Ellie (1984)

..Dating seems so much easier in the south.  If kin is far enough removed from the blood line they're alright to flirt w/ & perhaps even get some nookie.  Ellie is an innocent girl but that's not enough to keep away her lecherous stepbrothers & uncle.  I must say nobody plays white trash like Shelley Winters.  There's something strangely erotic about Pat Paulsen rolling around on the floor & having a go @ her.  Then again I was all worked up from the chewing gum innuendos.  W/ a combination of the 2 I had to jerk off to the Double Mint Twins

Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals (1977)

..It's unfortunate cannibalism is frowned upon.  Grocery shopping would be so much easier.  Anyone who wonders on your lawn could be lunch.  Just imagine how many Jehovah Witness's cock you could be scarfing on.  No, if you want the other white meat you have to go to the Amazon but as it soon found out not Amazon.com.  Lara Gesmer is back as Emanuelle & her bush is looking super fine in the jungle bush.  This movie excites me even w/ all it's cock lopping.  The score is haunting & for a while I was obsessed w/ it playing Nico Fidenco's theme every time I performed cunnilingus.  I suggest giving it a try the next time you decide to munch down 

Scooby-Doo! Moon Monster Madness (2015)

..Scooby-Doo was a big part of my Saturday morning cartoon watching ritual & unless Scappy-Doo is added to the mixed Im more than willing in giving these direct to video movies a chance.  Jason & Leprechaun were blasted into space then why not Scooby-Doo?  The jokes are a little off formula for the product but were able to get chuckles out of me.  It was pretty easy for this to get grins out of especially since it had voice talents of Malcolm McDowell & Mark Hamill.  It's just no where to being a classic.  Scooby didn't even get any Scooby Snacks in space & was forced to eat Space Food Sticks

The Kinky Coaches and the Pom Pom Pussycats (1981)

..I actually saw this under the title Crunch but I like The Kinky Coaches & the Pom-Pom Pussycats better.  This mild piece of Canadian tax dollar is fortunate to have a few name stars in it most of all my favorite John Vernon who always plays of member of education's fecality to a tee.  This time he's a bound & determined high school coach who needs his lucky underwear to win.  I can relate as I've faced some hard lucky times w/out my lucky Underoos.  He shouldn't have tried so hard though b/c the best these players are going to get is playing in the CFL

Fever Lake (1997)

..I knew there was trouble brewing @ Fever Lake that w/in the 1st 3 minutes there's a Shining ripoff.  I was just waiting for the 'HERE'S JOHNNY!' tag line. It's surprising that such a piece of shit was able to attract a few name actors.  Of course Bo Hopkins plays a sheriff but he's mastered the role.  Corey Haim's best days are behind him so that leaves Mario Lopez to save this mess.  No such luck as Fever Lake drags along like it's being shot by someone who just got a video camera for Xmas.  Damn you Mario Lopez.  You could have @ least danced a little.  That always worked when things were slumping on Saved By the Bell

Mutant (1984)

..This is the 2nd time in a couple of months that I've seen Wings Hauser & Bo Hopkins team up to battle toxic zombies as I had watched Nightmare at Noon not so long ago.  I get these two films confused & keep waiting for scenes to happen that happened in the other movie.  To be truthful when I watched Nightmare at Noon I though I imagined this movie.  Luckily I didn't b/c it's a fine little piece for fans of the 2 actors & zombies.  In fact these 2 movies would probably make for a decent double feature

Slithis (1978)

..There's a reason why I never got married & Slithis has a prime example of why. Let's say you & your spouse are asleep in bed & you hear a noise downstairs in the middle of the night.  Of course its the man's job to go down & see what made that noise.  It doesn't matter what is down there b/c you took the vow 'til death do you part'.  More than likely there's a Slithis down there to fuck you up. I for one would not get out of that bed & ask that bitch for a divorce or kick her ass out of bed so that Slithis eats her 1st

The Smurfs (2011)

..For a brief time as a child (between Star Wars movies) I was straight out obsessed w/ The Smurfs.  I watched the Saturday morning cartoon & had my parents fork over too much money for the rubber figurines.  Since they were an important part of my childhood I have high demands even out of sometime so simplistic as The Smurfs.  This movie did not reach them & in fact made me ashamed that I ever played Guitar Hero.  The Smurfs would never survive in New York.  A mother-fucking rat would eat them w/in seconds.  @ least I had Hank Azaria & Mr Krinkle to keep me amused.  That cat needs more work.  All in all no where as good as The Smurf movie we all needed This Ain't The Smurfs A XXX Parody

   

Prisoners of the Lost Universe (1983)

..Want to make the cheapest inner dimensional travel movie possible?  Then set it back in medieval times where there is absolutely no advanced technology.  It makes for a pretty dull time as most of it is spent walking about South Africa which has no great landscape.  @ least John Saxon is on hand looking rugged.  The greatest loss of Prisoners of the Lost Universe is that Richard Hatch's kendo stick is broken before it can even be taken into another dimension.  That's too bad b/c I love a good kendo stick beating

Sorrority Girl (1957)

..It would have been fantastic if I went to a college where there was a sorority. I would have spied on them like John Blutarsky while they undressed.  Maybe not Sabra Tanner b/c she's a bit of a sociopath since mommy took away her allowance.  She takes her inner rage out on a poor pledge making her do sit ups.  No fat girls in this sorority.  I do have to give Ms Tanner credit though.  Even though it's frowned upon by her sorority sister she wealds a fabulous hazing paddle.  Pledges need more wallops to their tender behinds...perhaps some whipping cream on their sugar boobies too

Hell School Hellcats (1958)

..Coming to a new school is difficult especially when there's a gang that wants to take you w/in its ranks.  It's difficult not to fall into the wrong crowd but that pressure of acceptance is too much.  Of course w/ any gang there's initiation & these Hellcats pull out all the stops.  The cruelest trick of all is that they convince Joyce Martin to wear slacks to school b/c all the girls in the gang are going to wear them.  Well the next day none of those bitches wear slacks & poor Joyce is humiliated in here stylish JC Penny Slacks...damn you JC Penny & your inexpensive cutting edge style

 

The Young Cycle Girls (1978)

..3 young gals decide it would be a good idea to drive their motorcycles across 4 states to California to see the ocean but these girls have no business thinking their cycle girls.  They're are too green.  I mean no one ever raped Leather Tuscadero or Officer Kirk never force his cock on Pinky.  The road to California on a motorbike is filled w/ perverts, junkies & dirty hippies.  You'll have to do more than call home to your daddy every night to survive but if you're going to call then call 1-800-COLLECT

Power Play (1978)

..Certain actors I have a tendency to seek out all of the movies & TV projects.  Donald Pleasence is one of those actors that I do that w/.  It's hard to believe that in 1978 (the same year he did Halloween) he was involved in 9 other productions; one of them being a bit of Canadian tax dollar in Power Play.  It's just one step further to making me a completist b/c it's a little dull.  In fact every time someone said Coup D'État I had The Circle Jerks in my head & I moshed around my living room

Shatter (1974)

..Shatter killed an African leader & wants his 100G for the hit. He's lucky he doesn't end up one dead mother-fucker.  On the run for his life he stops for a massage but has no time for the Happy Ending.  The coolest thing about Shatter is he put a gun in his camera so when he pulled the trigger he had photographic proof of the assassination.  A great idea but you have to spend time waiting for the pictures to be developed.  I for one would have rigged a Polaroid

Cathy's Curse (1977)

..If a movie is from Canadian then I'm pretty polite to it.  After all Canadian's are pretty polite to all of us.  The strange thing I found about Cathy's Curse is that Randi Allen never starred in another movie after this.  Is there a curse that fowl mouthed little girls who are possessed have a difficult time finding work?  Perhaps if she got her tits out later in life like Linda Blair.  Maybe she could have could have found something a little more respectable.  This is Canada you know.  TV shows add smart aleck kids to their cast all the time.  They could have found her a spot on The Beachcombers

Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter (1966)

..I couldn't image being an outlaw like Jesse James.  Killing; always on the run until you eventually run into the granddaughter of Dr Frankenstein who falls in love w/ you all the while turning your best friend into a monster.  It's a hard & strange road to ride.  I often think if Jesse James had only learned the pumphandle powerslam like is grandson Road Dogg Jesse James he could have laid his guns down a lot sooner