Joshua (1976)

..Fresh from the Civil War Fred Williamson has bought a ranch & has gone to get his mother so they can live the American dream.  If only he was a day quicker to get her b/c 5 outlaws gun her down while kidnapping a mail order bride.  Draped in black Williamson does Johnny Cash better than Johnny Cash as he combs Monument Valley seeking revenge.  He's a cold mother-fucker as he'll throw a rattle snake on you & watch the venom course through your veins w/ no remorse.  There is a lot of filler as the same theme song is played over & over but it's what I've come to except from Po Boy Productions. Williamson takes a bullet but is able to gun down or blow up everyone who was involved (& a few that weren't) & he did it all for his mama.  You can guarantee that Vinton wouldn't do half as much for his mama

Pieces (1982)

..Pieces is a prime example that porn corrupts.  Even if it's in the form of a jigsaw puzzle as soon as one sees the beaver it's enough to hack up your mama.  These tendencies don't go away over night but linger for years.  Up to 40 b/c someone is hacking up girls @ a Boston college w/ a chainsaw.  What the hell is he doing w/ the missing body part?  It's up to Christopher George to crack the case but how can he do that we he can't even get someone to give him a light for his cigar. You have to get through a few suspects before you get to the gronk ripping finale that always make me cringe & hold my popo.  Prime suspect number 1 is Paul Smith that many remember as Bluto from the movie Popeye.  That's how many co-ed @ this college remember him too b/c when asked for an artist rendering it looked something like this.....

 

The Werewolf (1956)

..I guess in the US if you don't have any auto insurance & you are in an accident scientists are able to take you away to perform experiments creating God knows what.  This time out our men of science create a werewolf but it doesn't take silver bullets to kill him & he hangs out in the sunlight.  In fact I don't think old wolfie cares if it's a full moon or not.  Most of the film has Sheriff Jack Haines & his gun toting/torch welding pose combing the San Bernardino National Forest laying traps for the werewolf.  Of course the werewolf steps in one & is lucky that he didn't have to gnaw his foot off.  That's the logical thing to do if the shock doesn't kill you first.  Thankfully he's able to limp away only to strike @ those who get to close to him.  Actually this werewolf does more drooling than attacking.  So much that he could probably use a bib or some Brawny

The Valley of Gwangi (1969)

..The circus business is pretty tough especially if you are performing in Mexico.  These people see donkey shows everyday so some stunt jumping aren't going to impress the populous very much. T.J. thinks she can save her business by acquiring a tiny horse but it's not nearly as cute as the My Little Ponies.  I could never see a Brony dressing up as it even though it was created by Ray Harryhausen.  Thinking the little horse was cursed a gypsy returns it to the Forbidden Valley but w/ a posse T.J. & smooching partner Tuck Kirby venture where they shouldn't.  There they find a valley of dinosaurs & wrangle themselves a Tyrannosaurus Rex.  The entire idea would be a wash if Harryhausen's effects weren't so damn good.  Putting a T Rex on display is a Mexican circus seems like a pretty bone head move since he easily escape munching on everyone in it's path but T.J. dreams of making it big no matter the cost.  Perhaps even some day play Ringling Brothers & Barnum & Bailey before they too go out of business

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

..It sadden me when my horror heroes are trapped in bad movies.  It happened to Frankenstein so by Jason's 8th outing he's bound to have a bad turn.  I had high hopes when this originally came out buying a Fangoria b/c it was delayed during production.  B/c of budget cuts we never got to see the glorious vision that Rob Hedden had in store for us.  Let me be the 1st to say it here that Rob Hedden is a hack as he wrote & directed this film w/out ever seeing a Friday the 13th movie.  Cashing a quick paycheck was more important than an hour & a half of your life.  He even gives us what I consider to be the worst climax in film history by having Jason turned back into a child after being drown in toxic waste.  It makes me ashamed that I keep watching it expecting it to be better that just watching Kane Hodder as Jason.  Sadly it isn't.  I love Jason; I love New York but like poop & peanut butter hate this movie

10 to Midnight (1983)

..When I was younger & renting from a video store a friend & myeself played try to find the Charles Bronson cover where he's not holding a gun.  It's impossible. Even the cover of 10 to Midnight he's holding a gun & he only uses it once to shoot the creep that has been stalking his daughter & killing women.  It's a good thing Bronson put a bullet in that creep's brain b/c no court would convict him after running naked welding a knife down National Blvd.  I think Bronson has to worry more about his own ass b/c he was kicked of the police force for planting blood on the creep's clothes & then he gunned him down in cold blood after the creep had clearly given himself up.  It breaks my heart how a good cop has fallen who was only 3 days earlier giving Andrew Stevens shit for spitting out his Big League Chew @ a crime scene

Jungle Wolf (1986)

..If you fought in the Vietnam war you are always on the short list of mercenaries who can be hired for suicide missions whenever American's need rescuing.  This time out Ron Marchini fights rebels in the Philippines when an ambassador is kidnapped.  I'm surprised that Marchini survived the Vietnam war as he knows nothing about camouflage & wears a bright yellow shirt as he runs through the jungle shooting every rebel w/ every gun he finds laying on the ground.  After battling through the thickage he finds Ambassador Worthington lounging chained in a cave wearing pajamas.  Marchini was able to get the ambassador to a helicopter but the mother-fuckers didn't wait for him.  Marchini could have run the quarter mile but sadly he was left behind to fight the rebels w/ nothing but a sword.  I do have to give Ron Marchini credit b/c he went out like a trooper just like Corporal Kirchner